The Connoisseur Society for Gentlemen and Scholars.

Con/nois/seur- n An expert judge in the matters of taste.

For decades--maybe centuries--men have depended on women to set the rules for polite behavior.  Sometimes that woman was the man's mother; sometimes she was his wife; sometimes she was a famous etiquette expert like Amy Vanderbilt or Emily Post.

There comes a time in every man's life when his mother isn't around any more.  Married or not, he is expected to go to parties and to entertain.  He has business associates to deal with and coworkers with whom he must get along.  Such moments can fill a guy with needless terror.  He may get frustrated trying to tie a bow tie or set his table correctly.  He may find himself fumbling when he needs to introduce two of his best friends.

The truth of the matter is, being a gentleman is not a rocket science.  Being a gentleman requires little logic, a bit of forethought, and a great deal of consideration for others.  It is not about complicated rules and convoluted instructions.  Instead, it is about trying to make life easier for other people.  It is about honestly and sincerely being a nice guy.

For a guy the noblest virtues are camaraderie, dependability, and unswerving loyalty.  It confuses him to think that his future might be ruined if he ate his entree with a salad fork.  

That is why the club I am starting, The Connoisseur Society for Gentlemen and Scholars, spells out what a man really needs to know if he plans to make his way in this world.

Simply acting like a gentleman is not enough.  It is being a gentleman that is important, and that means thinking of others, being there when you are needed, and knowing when you are not needed.  It is what you do and who you are--an accumulation of gentlemanly behaviors over the course of a lifetime--that makes a man a gentleman.

Look for an informational meeting about the club within the next month.  It will, barring unbeknownst delay, begin next semester.  If you are at all interested in cigars, fine liquors and wine, proper suiting/fashion, golf, art, music, grooming, cooking, being able to hold a conversation with anyone you meet, landing the job of your dreams, etc., Come and Join.

As always,

Cheers

The Life of a Pseudonym

By taking a new name...an unfinished person may hope to enter into more dynamic--but not necessarily more intimate--transactions, both with the world outside and with his or her "true soul," the naked self.

-Justin Kaplan "The Naked Self and Other Problems," in Marc Pachter, ed., Telling Lives: The Biographer's Art.

The life of a pseudonym is the life a dead man, of one who does not exist.

-Karl S. Guthke, B. Traven: The Life Behind the Legends.

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players.

-William Shakespeare, As You Like It.  Act II, scene 7

Life's a masquerade.  Have a ball.

-Chainsaw, December 2007.

Do you get what I'm saying?

The unexamined life is not worth living.

-Socrates

Success is the sum of knowing who you are and training hard.

-Willy Loman taught me this.  Arthur Miller, really.

Be ever vigilant.  Be ever you.  

If you know.

Sic semper Tyrannis! The Genetics of Karma

Karma is a b(female dog).  That's what we all say.  Though, the American version sounds a little more like Payback's a b(female dog).  Nonetheless, Eastern and Western divided, we are all saying the same thing:  What goes around, comes around.  

Although the name of Ludacris's daughter, in actuality, Karma is a philosophical idea stemming from ancient India to explain the cycle of cause and effect.  How present actions can lead to either good (which are mostly forgotten about when cursing Karma) or bad consequences-- "fruits," as they are referred to, given the name karma-phala.  Thus, throughout our life (and even into the next one), depending on how we choose to live, it is these fruits that we will harvest.  Ripe or Rotten.

You reap what you sow.  

Also basic genetics.

Wait.  What?  

Genetics?! 

Yes, Jen. Eh. Ticks.  A person with a rudimentary background in genetics, afforded by, perhaps, a semester in biology, understands that who we are is a result of genes that we inherit from our parents.  Traits such as eye color, hair color, nose shape, and thunder thighs are all products of the information found on the 46 chromosomes comprising the human genome.  But what most people don't realize is that behavior, as well as physical traits, is a product of inheritance.  An individual may exhibit propensities towards dishonesty, anger/abuse, loyalty, lethargy, self-motivation, promiscuity, etc.  And, though, some would claim these are solely results of nurture, not nature, I would argue that, if anything, it is a combination of both.  An individual may be born with an ability to behave a certain way but, until presented with an opportunity to do so, does not.  Thus, behavior is an inherited trait.  

But what does this have to do with Karma?  Well, let's break it down algebraically.  Transitive property style (If A=B and B=C, then A=C).  

Karma is a result of action.  Behavior influences action.  Genetics produces behavior.  Thus, Karma is a result of Genetics.  (So, really, here A=B, B=C, C=D  and A=D).

Still not sold?  Here's an example:

Say, for the sake of Eastern ideology,  Abraham Lincoln died and was reincarnated as a grey squirrel.  Now, he's a pretty nature saavy, being raised in a log cabin, and he understands that the life of a squirrel is pretty harsh.  Running from dogs, hiding from hawks, gathering up as many acorns as he can possibly find and caching them--it's not as glamorous as it is chalked up to be.  So, he decides he's going to cheat the system.  Instead of storing nuts for winter like the other squirrels, he's just going to hide and watch where they put all of their nuts.  That way, he doesn't have to do any work and when winter comes, he knows right where to find food.  So, he does this, and it works.  All winter long he gets fat off of the fruits of others' labor while they freeze and starve.  Thus, once spring hits and mating season begins, he is exponentially more fit than any of the other squirrels and able to produce lots of offspring.  

This is where Karma comes along.  To a certain percent of his children, he passes along the "cheating" gene.  And these little Abe's all follow in his footsteps.  The next winter, he now has competition, particularly with his son, John Wilkes Booth.  And because JWB is younger and more fit, he takes "Dad's" food and poor Abraham Lincoln is left starving and frozen.  

Thus, ever to tyrants.  With Karma.  Because of Genetics.  

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The Secret to the Interstellar Domination of Starbucks

Perhaps the reason for the monopolistic success that is Starbucks is a combination of two things.

Coffee houses cater to a highly liberal crowd--authors, artists and dramatists alike.

Who get to order drinks in Iambic Pentameter (A poetic form  of 5 pairs of stressed and unstressed syllables within a stanza, used for several centuries by world-renown writers such as Shakespeare and John Donne).

For Example:

Tall, Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte

Let me stress the importance of this.  Starbucks has not only raised the making of, but also the ordering of coffee to an art form.  Literal Poetry.  And what attracts an Artsie more than anything?  The feeling that they are apart of something beautiful, artistic, and wholly original.  Something like Hamlet ordering an Americano (a mixture of espresso and water).  "Two shots or One shot?  That is the question."  

But back track a little--can a coffee order be wholly original? Yes.  Look at it this way:

A Starbucks coffee shop has, probably, 20 different types of coffee drinks.  Outside of this number, if there are at least 6 different ways of ordering each one of these coffees (nonfat, skinny, fatty/sugary, soy, 1 or 2 shots of espresso), then the math (20 raised to the sixth power) comes out to 64,000,000 possible orders.  Add in that there are a flavored syrups (a whole slew along the wall, say, conservatively, 7) or how many packets of sugar (1,2,3) you want to add,  20 is now raised to the 13th power, making the possible drink orders 8.192x10 to the 16th power--a number that well exceeds the total population of the earth.  Making it, indeed, possible for someone to have their very own drink order from Starbucks.

So, remember, if you want to open your very own coffee shop/corporation, as with any type of business, be aware of who you are selling to.  And think of every two-syllabled adjective you can to describe a coffee.  Pretty soon, you might be able to challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.  

A Short History of Ebonics

"Peace, ho!"

-William Shakespeare

Julius Caesar Act 3, scene ii

This Blog is Not Doctored

Doctors are smart people.  Whether or not their degree says MD or PhD.  And they drop the conventional Mr. or Mrs. for Dr.  Which, some use to denote Drive, like Pine Drive.  

Anyways, simply, the difference between doctors and lay-people is 4-5 letters.  Oh, and four to fifteen years of school/residency.  Four to fifteen years of sleep and social depravity.  Four to fifteen years that they will never get back.

But those four to fifteen years are a necessity--a test that those individuals have what it takes mentally and physically to be doctors.  And why not?  If they are going to be charged with protecting the health or education of our nation, then they should be tested.  If they fail, then thank heavens.  One less malpractice case, one less injured patient.

I want to be a doctor.  And I am well aware of the test and hardships that lay ahead.  It's a daunting task that provides me with a great deal of respect for those who have made it through already.  Then, though, there are days, like one I had about a week ago, when I wonder how certain individuals ever made it through medical school.  

I completely understand if doctors want to write, particularly a blog in order to discuss topics within the medical field that may confuse patients.  I like to write, and I want to be a doctor.  Writing is a great way to connect with patients in all places and times.  It can strengthen the clinician-patient relationship by building trust in the physician.  But, I'm not sure how much I would trust a doctor who cannot spell.  

The other day my girlfriend was editing a blog for a family medical practice out of Dallas.  She works for  PR firm that has several medical clients, specifically doing editing for blogs.  She let me read his post pre-edit and I was appalled.  The man had no sense of grammar.  Or spelling.  Incredibly was typed "Incredibally".  I felt sick to my stomach.  Doctors are supposed to be distinguished, well-educated individuals--prestigious, some would say.  But that guy wouldn't even know where to begin in spelling prestigious.  At least doctor only requires two letters to be represented.  Or he might be a Dockturr.  And to be doctored, would look more like someone was a Dock Turd.  Wonderful.  Classy.

I'm thoroughly glad that med schools are requiring English classes now.  And, refreshingly, favoring humanities majors.  It would probably be in their best interest to have a spelling bee as a requirement for acceptance, as well.  For the patient of a dermatologist, that could be the difference between receiving Botox or a treatment on their buttocks.  And bringing a whole new meaning to being an Ass Kisser.  

Pucker up.